A strange sensation came over me. Had I led a good enough life? A sense of calm descended. I told myself quietly that there was nothing I could do and that if I panicked the anaesthetist would not be able to proceed. There was a moment of acceptance. I just laid there. My life in their hands. I waited to see if I would live or die. I felt a huge sense of relief when I woke up in HDU, knowing that I had lived. Owen came to see me. I felt pretty helpless and out of it. I remember thinking, I must go and see my boys.

Makes for things looking different somehow, when faced with your own mortality. I’m still wondering what’s different and how I might have changed but I am at peace about the now and not so concerned about the what next. Those who have walked with me during these past few months have helped me to get through the most difficult days. I still have a journey ahead back to full recovery, but it helps knowing how much people care.

At times I have been tearful and motivation towards fitness can be low. Other days, I am more energised and hopeful that I will one day regain the endurance I once had. My body has undergone a lasting change and each day that passes, I wonder whether I can fully accept the change and begin to somehow embrace the new shape of me.

The hysterectomy almost pales into insignificance in comparison to the trauma of the sepsis and subsequent laparotomy. It was an internal bleed following the hysterectomy that caused the clot that became infected, resulting in sepsis.

The sepsis caused me to quickly feel completely out of control and helpless. Then the loss of dignity was just something that happened. The student nurse on duty was great and nothing seemed to much for her although I’m sure she was challenged.

I think that my immune system was compromised because of life’s happenings in the months leading up to the operation. I was grieving the passing of my mum, brother in law and step dad when the scapegoating in the form of bullying, ostracism. How could they be so cruel when I was grieving? Where did they learn that behaviour? How does anyone ever think it is ok to treat another like that?

What happened, before it all happened.

In the Absence of Physical Bruises,
Micro aggressions multiplied,
I caught the swing of their mood,
Coordinated combination punches landed,
A high sideways kick.

Thinking my quiet courage,
was my greatest strength,
Discouraged and disempowered.
No winners, no victory.
All I appear to be,
would not have been possible had it not been for all the things I’ve been through.
I had no shield, no weapons, no defence.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you.

-00-

And thats what happened, before it all happened.